Winter Time Blues

So not everyone knows, but I have bipolar disorder. I know, I know typical Gemini, but I was diagnosed back in 2011 after an insane downward spiral and complete self destructive behavior. I’m medicated and went through a lot of therapy for many many years and am to the point where I can acknowledge the shifts in my behavior and even though I can’t necessarily stop them, I can manage them better and keep a somewhat grounded foot in reality. I am very proud of myself for that. Not a lot of people understand the amount of hard work and self pity I went through to get to this point. Everyone lately on social media has been talking about SEASONAL DEPRESSION; sounds crazy right? Like a bunch of hoopla almost. Unfortunately though there’s a lot of evidence supporting how all the changes in atmospheric pressure, climate change, and it getting darker earlier contributes with bouts of depression. Now what some of you may not know, is that those who are medicated or not medicated with a mental health disorder; possibly not even directly related to depression face those intense downs during the winter season at an even larger rate. It’s real you guys. It sucks. I didn’t put it together until my last year of therapy and she looked at me and said ” I think you can handle the winters now, how do you feel?” I looked at her a little dumbfounded and had to have her explain, which she happily did showing me her notes over the last few years and how in the colder months my depressed phases of the bipolar disorder stuck around for a few weeks longer than the downs I would have the rest of the year. It was a little hard to swallow for some reason so I had to ask the people around me if they noticed. They all did and said they hold onto their seats for my emotional rollercoaster through the winter. I’m working on this still to this day just to try to feel a little more in control. If you also struggle, the one thing we can always hold on to is the winter will be over and the warmer temperatures will come and the heavy rain lingering above us will be lifted, even just for a few short months we will breathe a little easier.

The Threenager.

There is always going to be a point in time when you question your abilities of being a good mom. Especially with your first child. My oldest is three years old. The two stage gave me a hard time, but three has definitely made me question if I can parent correctly.

The back talk: I literally feel like every day I’m arguing with 15 year old me that knows everything and no one can tell me any different. I mean what could I possibly know? I’ve only had to do this for 23 years, so I guess I know nothing. Especially when his shoes are clearly on the wrong feet and he tells me he doesn’t have to switch them because they’re right. Moms pick your battles. The one thing I’ve learned is not everything warrants an argument: right or wrong.

The dreaded eye roll: I swear I have never seen a child roll their eyes so hard and so often they may get stuck in the back if their heads. Explaining to him that he can’t curse, scream, or be naked in public he just thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. If attitude had a better name it would be Oliver. Lol

The “I’m Sorry”: after a long day of differences those little tiny arms wrapping around you and telling you that he’s sorry and he loves you is the best feeling, especially when it wasn’t anything too serious. It gets hard for me to stick to the punishment I hand down when he’s looking at me with those sweet innocent eyes and telling me he had a rough day. 💜 Some days though he has to learn the hard way that sorry sometimes isn’t enough to take it all away. Sometimes he still has to serve his punishment and it breaks my heart.

It’s okay to let them know that everyone has bad days, everyone has bad moods, and sometimes we just like to test the waters. After all they may be little but they’re still human. Sometimes I have to remind myself on the really bad days, that the world is scary for me but imagine being little and not knowing anything and learning between right and wrong. That they get scared, confused, and angry just like me. His problems seem so trivial to me but they’re such a big deal to him and I want him to know that momma will always be there to help him though it. So to all the mom’s out there struggling with the threenager attitude and wondering if you’re handling it right, just breathe. Humble yourself and help them through it. After all you’re leaning how to deal with it just like they are. 💜

Take A Step Out of Mom Mode; You’re Needed Elsewhere Too.

I don’t really know how to put it into words so I’ll try my best… How do you separate yourself from you ‘the mom’ from you the ‘person’? There’s so much pressure from society to be the picture perfect mom; that every minute of everyday you need to be with your kids or thinking of them.

I am one of those mom’s that don’t know how to take a step back and put focus on other aspects of my life. Even really important ones like my relationship or friendships. I am so constantly worried about being on my “A game” with my kids, my relationship took a hit.

I never really understood how it always seemed like marriages went downhill after the kids are born, but I get it now. As a mom your kids are literally all you think about. You forget that your significant other needs attention and your friends need to hear from you. You forget that your husband was at one point, the person you gave the most love to.

And I know what you’re thinking, “my kids will always come first, and if my husband can’t understand that he can leave.” But what we fail to realize at the time is even though our love is a little different because we carried these humans in our bodies than their dad’s love for them (which I’m sure is an undeniable amount of love, just in a slightly different way) is that we are letting ourselves fall out of love with each other because we are neglecting the relationships needs even though they are just about as important as our kids needs.

I even feel guilty typing this and feel like the judgement is coming, like ‘my god can you believe this woman thinks her relationship needs are just as important as her kids needs?’ That just as much as our kids need our attention our husbands need just as much.

I’m guilty that at times I have to remind myself to kiss my significant other in the midst of two young children that constantly need me. So how do you break this habit? How do you remind your husband that he’s just as important in your life as he was in the beginning of your relationship? How do you take a step back from mom mode and fix it? Because let’s face it, our love runs so deep for our husbands that if something would happen to our relationship it would be a huge regret and you’d always look back on the things you should have done.

It’s hard to fix a problem you know exists when you don’t feel like you even have the time to try and find a solution.

So here’s to the all of the mom’s that need to take a step out of mom mode and realize that it is okay to spend some time on other parts of your life as well. So here’s to our new chapter..

The Struggle Of Finding Mom Friends.

Man I cannot explain how much I hate trying to make mom friends. It’s literally like dating all over again. You have to sit down and get to know them, talk to them, and if all goes well hopefully the kids will like each other.

I haven’t met a mom that’s a good personality fit for me 100 percent. Either they want to be outside all day in 98 degree weather letting their kid eat rocks or they do everything but wrapping their child in bubble wrap to go out and play.

I need a happy medium. Someone that believes in discipline, that can let their kids be independent for their age (no not Sharon that’s too busy in her phone and doesn’t correct her child for being a douchebag on the playground), yes for the ability to openly say that my child is acting like a douchebag. He’s a toddler with the attitude of a teen, I don’t care. A mom that can come over to my house and see that it’s destroyed and just know I’m having one of those days and doesn’t belittle me about it.

I need a mom that doesn’t have her shit the whole way together…

I can’t pretend like I know what I’m doing, it’s exhausting. Everyday with my kids is different. So I don’t need to hear about if I gave them vegan food they would be more well behaved and well rounded like little Timothy.

Also she can’t only talk about the kids. Like I get it, you think everything your children do is just so cute and amazing. I BEFRIENDED YOU TO FEEL LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING AGAIN, to have a conversation that doesn’t involve a 2 year old asking if I can wipe his butt.

Finding mom friends is hard.

Maternity leave is over, now what?

Going back to work after Maternity leave has left me with so many emotions. I’m upset because I don’t want to leave my babies, we have been breastfeeding since she was born and I’m worried going back that’s going to be something that doesn’t continue; maybe because she doesn’t want to or my supply will drop while pumping. Breastfeeding is so hard in the beginning and once you find your flow it feels like such an accomplishment. I’m eager because I’ve missed going to work and having adult conversation and honestly having some time away from the kids. On that same note I feel guilty for kind of being excited to go back because who doesn’t want to be with their kids all day every day? Some people who can’t have kids would kill for this. Am I bad mom because I want some time away? Even though it’s a little part of me it makes me feel so guilty. I go back to work in four days. On Monday my anxiety is going to be so high all I’m going to do is panic that my daughter is being tended to in the ways that she needs. She’s picky and it’s hard to explain all of her little quirks or what if a small baby is too much for the sitter to handle and I have to try to find someone else or I can’t pay the bills? I always go to worst case scenario and it makes me panic for nothing most of the time. Finding the balance is going to be difficult but here’s to the next chapter of our lives: Returning to Work After Your Second Child.

Frustration overload

Have you ever been so frustrated and no matter what you say no one is understanding you? I’m tired of hearing ” what’s wrong with you now?” Well Timothy as a matter of fact I have asked you to take the garbage out 6 times now and I just went and did it myself while holding the baby as you played a video game. Repeating myself has become habit and I know he’s still not listening. I know when he has a bad day, I can sense it immediately, but that can’t be reciprocated to me? I’ll never understand. Do it all and you’ll never expect to have help. Easy. But don’t ask me what my problem is when I’m a little short with you.

It’s Okay Mom

It’s okay to not be okay. You’re a mom it’s one of the hardest switches you’ll ever make. Nothing is about you anymore and you feel run down and like you’re not doing anything right. Parenting unfortunately doesn’t come with a ‘How To’ book. As long as you can look at your children and feel that heart warming explosion of love, then you are doing everything right. When they run to you with that heart warming smile and crawl on your lap even though they only sit they for five seconds, in your mind its the best five seconds of the day then you’re doing just fine. Sit back and breathe. Let the dishes sit, let your husband make dinner and just take in everything your kids have to offer you. Bask in the innocent joy of them playing cars on the rug giggling their hearts out. Let them make a mess in the tub while you are both laughing splashing each other and clean it up later. Cherish every little messy moment because no mom will ever be the perfect mom, but we are perfect in our children’s eyes. It’s okay to stray off schedule and let things go incomplete.